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Danger Girl's Road Rage Page
Rules of the Road

things I have learned about driving...

(In no particular order):
1.  The appropriate speed to go is the one that creates the exact amount of distance between you and the car in front of you to successfully avoid a rear-ending in the event of sudden braking, and yet also successfully prevent someone from cutting in front of you.
2.  When you are behind a car that is going slower than you want it to, laziness comes into play.  Eventually, a car from behind you will attempt to pass it on the right.  In 50% of situations, the car in front of you will suddenly decide to drive fast, to cut off the guy on the right.  You may also cut off the guy on the right, and take advantage of what he just did for you.  All without doing anything.  Altertatively, the guy in front will continue to go slow, but now you know you can successfully pass him on the right, since it was just done by another guy.  It's what we like to call a "win-win" situation.
3.  People who brake in the absence of a sudden traffic stoppage are  confirmed idiots.  After so many years of driving (let's not count the accident-rich "teen years"), a person with even half a brain is able to gauge the distance of cars around them.  Thus, if you can't tell that the guy in front of you has slowed down without braking, you're going too fast for your condition and you're an IDIOT!  And, a Braking Betty.  But thanks for the tip; now I know to pass you as quickly as I can, and not trust you to know what you're doing. 
4.  Same goes for anyone who has stickers of Calvin peeing on anything on their car or truck.
5.  You can predict a semi truck is about to cut you off if there are 2 semi's in a row, and the guy in back suddenly brakes.  This means that he wants to go faster than the semi in front of him, and will get over right in front of you, taking advantage of that nice cushion you so thoughtfully made, regardless of how fast you're going.  He's unconcerned if you rear-end him; he won't even notice your grease spot on his butt until he gets to Yreka.
6.  When two lanes merge into one, and there's bad traffic, people who get frustrated at the end of the continuing lane pop over into the merging lane, get up close to the end, and then cut over at the last second.  This causes the continuing lane to have to slam on its brakes and stop for your sorry ass, which creates the frustration at the end.  And, like a head connected to an ass, the same sh*t perpetuates itself.  (But, who doesn't do this?)
7.  Do the laws only apply to me?
8.  They aren't car lanes, they are LINES.  People should realize, you don't cut someone off in line.  This can get you shot.  The end of the line is back there, go into it, assh*le.
9.  It's safer to drive faster uphill, because if you have to brake suddenly, your momentamum (sp?) will work with you to allow you to stop much more quickly than on flat land.  Driving downhill, however, it works against you, and you can rear-end someone much easier that way.  However, people do the reverse: they drive slowly uphill and quickly downhill.  People are assh*les.
10.  Assume that everyone on the road is a drunk driver.  They are not actually drunk, most of them, they are just very very stupid.  And slow to think or react.  They have an inability to focus on anything beyond their own nose.  The guy who is the best driver is the one who's zipping around like a maniac because, unlike you, he knows exactly how fast he and everyone else are going, and exactly how much room he needs to maneuver.
11.  Case in point: Most people do not realize they are coming up on a slow car until they have been behind it and braking for about 2 minutes.  Then, they decide to jump over right in front of you.  Now if you're smart, you can eyeball that the guy in front of you is not going as fast as you want, and you can get over when it's clear and avoid them.  Most people are not smart.
12.  Car lanes are like the stock market.  In your left lane is the long term stocks, with sometimes slow but steady increases.  Sometimes there are short-term slowdowns, but if you ride them out, you will eventually come out ahead.  The other lanes are for day traders.  You can make faster progress in those lanes by jumping into one that's fast and then jumping out of it right when it starts to slow, but you have to know exactly what you're doing and be able to predict every sudden slowdown.  Or else you get stuck behind a bus. 
13.  The more money someone spends on a car, the less likely they are to drive it "well" on the road.  They will be slow and careful.  The irony is is that those damn cars are the ones on the road with the best ability to speed and zip around.  What a waste...  Now, the most dangerous car on the road is one that is worth $100, or less.  That guy just doesn't give a sh*t, and probably already has dents and duct taped fenders from prior accidents.
14.  It is a crime if you are in the fast lane going less than 20 over the speed limit with no-one in front of your but someone behind you wanting to go faster than that.
15.  It is a crime to own an SUV.  Unless it was free, and the mob threated your life, and your family's, unless you drove it.  I would love to see a highway full only of SUV's, and sit back with a six-pack of beer to watch.  It would be like having a roomful of Napoleans.
16.  Another nice offensive tactic from up front is to coast a wheel or two into the shoulder.  There's a lot of debris there to be kicked up into the windshield and body of anyone who's too close to your ass.
17.  The key to a successful road rage (i.e., one in which you have the last word, and there's no retaliation; very satisfying) is to make the evil you foment look accidental and not intentional.  As you are passing on the right, don't look directly at them.  This only angers the Morlock.  You can look at them out of the corner of your eye, without turning your head at all.  I hate it when some guy cuts me off, then you can see his head twist up to look at me in the rearview.  Man, you are asking for trouble.  You can look into the rear view without making any movement of your head, dummy.  Cruise over gently, not in a "cutting off" motion. 
18.  I always like too, the "scissors," where some guy who's trying to cut you off on the right, you cruise up and squeeze him out of a cut off, then start to go slow when he's stuck behind a slow car.  Do this all without using brakes; down-shift, or turn overdrive off.
19.  When you are entering a freeway and you're stuck behind the Slowest Car in the World, you're screwed if you enter going 25 too; you'll never get over.  So you go even slower, accumlating a lot of distance between you and the slow f*cker in front.  That way, as soon as you hit freeway, you have enough room to get from 25-60 and then you can pass the slow f*cker up without too many hassles.
20.  Profiling.  You know, like at airports, if you're a single flyer with no luggage, you fit the profile of a drug smuggler and they can strip search you without a warrant, or something.  You would think that any car with 2 or more Grateful Dead stickers on it would be probably cause for a cop to pull you over and check your blood or possessions for mariguana.  If you're going to smoke the Mad Weed, for god's sake don't advertise it on your car.  Are you on Inner State 420?  Do you think cops are that dumb?  They've all smoked it too, why do you think they keep confiscating it and letting you go?  (or so I hear).
21.  I actually like most cops.  I have a thing for men in uniform.  But, nevertheless, I'd rather have a cop in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
22.  I will never tire of looking at a 1957 Chevy Bel Air.
23.  When you shake your wheel a little from side to side, it makes you look either crazy or really really fast, so people ahead of you going in the same direction will decide to not get in front of you, and people ahead of you going in opposite directions will decide to not turn left in front of you.  They'll just wait for the next clearance.
24.  Oregon vs. California drivers.  You knew we were going to get to this eventually.  Use of blinkers: In Oregon, they decide they want to get over, put the blinker on, see if it's clear, and then get over.  In California, they decide they want to get over, see if it's clear (optional), and then get over, generally without a blinker.  So if I see a blinker on, and I'm there so it's not clear, if it's an Oregon driver I can ignore it, but if it's a California driver they most likely have left the blinker on unawares.  Either way, I ignore it.  If you have you're blinker on, and I'm where you want to be, you're not coming over.

Your favorite sports team sucks

Road Ragin' Tunes:
Bad Habit -Offspring
Little Old Lady from Pasadena - Beach Boys
Smack my Bitch up -Prodigy
Sing, Sing, Sing -Pepe and the Bottle Blondes version
Violet  -Hole


Ideas I've had related to driving or cars:

I think the "bird" is more effective if you lick your finger first.  I saw it in a movie once.
It would be fun to switch license plates on cars like: "Drama Queen" with "My Child is an Honor Student."  That way, some old fuddy duddy accountant guy is suddenly a drama queen (Scandal!) and the bitchy teenage princess has now come out with her teen pregnancy.
We play a poker game  called "Follow the Queen."  While driving, I play "Follow the Assh*le."  When you spot the guy zipping around, being an even bigger assh*le than you, you just follow him.  Let someone else do the thinking and effort about how to get where you're going even faster.  Although, occasionally, this guy is wrong and will get stuck in the slow lane behind a semi.  Or sometimes, he'll see you tailing him and get creeped out (I have that effect on men), and then drive really crazy to lose you.

I don't like you, or your racist friends


Now YOU I like...
Does road rage stem from some deep seated misery?  You don't do it when you're on vacation, or have friends in the car.
If you could push a button and immediately get beamed into work, would you do it?  I think I would miss the time to mentally prepare myself for the miasma that is work.  But I would probably do it once in a while when I was running really late...
Who are all these people on the road at 9 am?  Are they all running late to work too?  That could explain all the hostility.  We perpetuate our own evil feelings, we are late because we hate the job and there's someone there who hassles us for being late, so we run late, then road rage, knowing we're running late and we are going to be hassled, and there's nothing we can do.
Road rage is a transference of anger.  We're really mad at a boss or superior that is evil to us and we just have to take it with a smile and ask, would you like fries with that kick you just gave me to the ribs?  But we can't do anything to those people, so we take it out on the road.  Because there, we are more able to foment evil to others.
On 680 South, just after the 580 interchange, it suddenly gets slow and stupid.  People drive more slow.  There's actually less traffic on the road, and less wind, but more stupidity.  Especially as you near Fremont.  The slow lane becomes the only lane where you can go a decent speed. 
I noticed on Labor Day an awful lot of people had their hazard lights on.  I think this is indicative of the "oh, sh*t" feeling you get when faced with three whole days off.  What to do?  It's just so foreign to not have to work for three whole days...  I immediately created a lengthly to do list including coming into work to play catch up.  And then as Friday rolled around, I threw it out, rented 10 movies and a keg of beer, and kept my curtains shut all three days.  I don't think I even got out of my pajamas once that weekend. 
My epitaph will read: "She raged her last road."
I saw a woman a bit ago whose license plate # I recognized from an earlier incident.  This time, she was driving fine.  I don't think we road rage 100% of the time; I think it's like the Incredible Hulk: something sets you off and all of a sudden you turn green and you go crazy.  This is understandable in this day and age.  I think your average mild-mannered driver is just cruising along, happy as a clam, when all of a sudden he sees a bumper appear in his peripheral vision of somebody passing him on the right.  Then he hears a voice inside say "gentlemen: start your engines!"  We all know what happens next.